A smirk on her lips
by spuds
Summary: Sarah and her feelings for Cameron. A moment of acceptance.


**Disclaimer:** Making use of my best Sarah's 'don't you kiss me' face, I do declare... They're not mine: they belong to FOX television and Warner Brothers.

**Notes:** Just to thanks my dear beta, méuri, my favourite kenga.

**Another Note: **Mwhuahua… I'm so sorry. But I messed things up when I published this story…I really don't know how the hell I let some of my beta's comments here. Really. It's a mystery… Or maybe, it was just my unconscious showing my brutal love for my beta. Adoro!

*******

'So fucking despairing' Sarah said those words for the fourth time to herself. The first time was just ten minutes ago. And it was not fully spoken, instead, it was just a weak and fragile whisper. Just barely a whisper and almost a thought. She couldn't even remember clearly if she pronounced the words or just thought them. The second one she was sure she had said. A small whisper, although a clear one with thin but not failing voice. Third time was just seconds after the earlier one. And it was so similar on the way the words came out and at the same time so different on the tone, so much deeper in the profoundness of the hopeless statement... There was a gap of minutes between the others times and the last one. A gap in which Sarah tried and fail to, if not suppress, at least restrain the urge to relief her sorrow by stating it to the air that surrounded her, as if doing that would have the same effect as confiding on someone. So, the last time, the sentence came out loud and clear. And unbearable painful.

She was standing at the porch, her hands holding tightly the wooden fence. Her body bending over it. Her eyes, wide open, staring feverish at the floor without really paying attention to it. She felt her body trembling. And she didn't even bothered to try to control herself. She just knew she couldn't do it that moment, so she let her body abandon itself to the tremors.

To abandon herself. It was not only her body that was doing it. Her mind was doing it at this very moment. And by doing it, she was on the verge of despair.

Sarah remembered once being on a similar situation. The day after Reese's death. When he first entered her life, she was confronted with the role destiny saved for her. Fear had taken control of her at the very first moment the terminator that had the mission to kill her appeared in front of her. Even more fear she felt when Reese told her about the future that awaited her. But it wasn't until Reese died and the machine was destroyed that she tasted what despair was like. The day after Reese's death was the day she had to deal with a whole new feeling she had never really knew before, with a whole new life she would never imagine that could be real. And after all that happened on those few days since she met Reese, she knew she could not deny what happened. Because it just did happen. So she made up her mind and abandoned herself to despair for an entire day, to then relinquish to her unwanted fate.

And now Sarah was doing the same thing from that time. She was letting all desperation in, strongly, utterly, overwhelmingly. She had to. Because once again she had been put on a circumstance she would never thought it would be possible to come to pass. But it did. And she could not pretend any longer it wasn't happening. It just was. But to embrace the situation, first she had to pass through it, to completely extinguish any doubt about what she was about to do. To extirpate any second thought on her decision to accept her sentiments for the girl/machine that was inside the house, so close from where Sarah was standing, and so unaware of the arduous effort Sarah was struggling with.

Sarah's tremors grew wide when she thought about the girl. Cameron. She spent the last minutes so numbly immersed in fear that she hadn't thought about her for a while, even though she was the reason for all Sarah was passing through.

She has feelings for Cameron. It took not such a long time for Sarah to find this out as it took for her to accept it. But now that she had done it, she started not to bother with those and some others minor issues.

Sarah didn't care about the nature of her feelings. Was it love, passion, a crush or just desire? Fuck definitions. She didn't care about how to name it. To put it into words would not change the fact that she felt it. She felt for Cameron. She longed for Cameron.

How long would these feelings last? She was clueless. Were they going to last a single fuck? Until she eventually discovers some secret Cameron might possible be hiding from her? Or until she succeeds on her mission or dies trying to achieve it? Sarah couldn't tell. She had a guess, but didn't give too much thought to the idea. What she had given lots of thought was what she desired.

Yes, she ached to touch Cameron. It was a need Sarah didn't want to abnegate to herself any longer. And it didn't matter if only to tenderly caress her cheek or to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder before a mission or to bite her lower lip during a rough kiss or even to scratch the girl's back while in bed.

Yes, she wanted to fuck Cameron. She craved for that almost desperately. To fuck, to make love, to have sex with, to lay with, to sleep with. Those were just terms, some of them gentle and others obscene. But they were just that, words. All to describe the same act she wanted so much to do with the girl.

Again, all came down to words. Unimportant definitions now that Sarah embraced all she felt for the girl.

Sarah was still bending over the fence. She was still quivering. There were still waves of desperation running through her body, But she knew it was time for her to make the next movement. So she took a deep breathe, closed her eyes and tightened her hands around the fence. And for one last entire minute she opened her body and her being to despair. One last minute in which Sarah permitted herself to fear her needs for a girl that although looked like and have the mannerism of a girl, was, in fact, one of those damn machines she was supposed to hate and fight against with.

The very last wave of despair collapsed through her body. Such a violent one that she couldn't feel or sense things surrounding her. So indeed violent that the world seemed nonexistent for a single and almost abiding moment. Even her body and the sense of herself as a being seemed to vanish. And all that left was the fucking and absolute impression of despair.

Sarah was still standing on the porch, bended over the fence. The wave faded away. There was only Sarah. And the new born certainty of her decision on letting her feelings for Cameron take whatever course they were destined to.

Just after loosening her grip on the fence and straightening her body, she dared to open her eyes. Sarah couldn't thought it would be possible for her to smirk on a moment like that. But she did. A genuinely satisfied smirk.

Tilting her head to both sides in disbelief for being smirking, but still with the smirk hanging on her lips, Sarah left the porch to enter the house. Left the porch to, once more, discover the meaning of what would feel like to abandon herself to.


End file.
